Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell

I am 5 weeks post-op. And for the most part, things are good. I've had more trouble with bleeding from my lead incision, so I went in to the hospital to see what they thought. They just gave me gauze and tape. And I didn't have any more trouble after that. So then Monday I got the most incredible pain ever right by my ICD and extending half-way down my arm. It didn't last that long, but it was enough to concern me slightly, especially because the ICD site is still swollen. There's also this purple splotch at one end of the incision, which is kind of gross. It hasn't bled yet, but it looks like it has that potential.

So yesterday I had my synchronizing appointment. It's the day where they basically mess with my ICD while they echo me and adjust my device to get the best results for my heart function. I knew it was going to be a long appointment, but I didn't realize that most of that time would be spent waiting. Waiting to see my doctor, and then waiting for blood work, and then waiting for a chest x-ray, and then waiting to be synchronized, and then waiting to get the okay to leave. I'm the first person to say that I don't handle this well. Any of it. Surgeries, making appointments, filling prescriptions, everything. And up until this point, I've kept it together like a champ. But yesterday I was tired and I realized that I was going to use up more sick leave than I had and I just wanted to go home. So I had a little meltdown in the clinic waiting room. And there were a decent number of people there watching me cry. But I feel okay crying in that environment because um, look where we are. You're not going to spend half your day at a cardiologist's if you're healthy.

That's another thing that will probably become apparent, if it isn't already. I'm a "why me?" person. It doesn't happen when I'm healthy. So most of the time I'm a happy, not feeling sorry for myself person. But when I'm having surgery and my health is in question, I like to break out the party hats and throw a pity party for myself. If I'm having a bad day, I'm going to ask "why me?" Because it's not just that I can't find my car keys and I forgot to tape my favorite show and my brother's annoying the crap out of me. I have heart disease, too.

So yesterday I cried. Because I had to wait a long time, and I was running out of sick leave, and I was really tired. And I had heart surgery.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Sunday, Bloody Sunday


An interesting thing happened on Sunday. Can you guess? It started with a shower that I decided to take at midnight. I had some crazy idea that I was going to get up early and write (which didn't happen) so I thought showering the night before (read: early morning) would be a good idea. At this point in my recovery, I really wasn't expecting any bleeding, despite the fact that parts of the incisions are still scabbed over. That's my big fear. Post-op bleeding as been the greatest recurring disaster of my life. So seeing blood dripping from my incision = not okay.

I'm not used to having two incisions at the same time. I don't know which to be more concerned about. Before Sunday, I would have guessed my ICD incision, that being the one with the pocket of blood that has yet to dissipate. But sure enough, the blood trickled from the right side, not the left. For a moment, I was panic-stricken. I thought it was my wisdom teeth all over again (another story for another post). I was 18 days post-op and seemed to be healing nicely and consistently. But it turns out, it wasn't a big deal. I must have disturbed a scab, so I put some pressure on it and then a band-aid and went to bed.

Sunday was the Fourth of July and to celebrate, the whole family went to Maryland to visit my aunt and uncle and cousins. It was a long, hot day and somewhere in the middle of the afternoon I got tired and laid down on the couch to close my eyes. At first I was on my back, because I knew that sleeping on my side was probably a bad idea--the incision was very pressure-sensitive. But I couldn't stretch out because the other half of the couch was occupied by a rottweiler. So against my better judgment, I curled up in a ball on my side and went to sleep.

I awoke to my cousin, Kevin, staring at me like I was an alien. Maybe he was just staring at me like I had just bled on his couch. We even exchanged "Hey, what's up, how are yous" before my sister-in-law, Emily, informed me that I was bleeding. Sure enough, there was a bloody trail leading from my incision, down my shoulder, to the couch. It was really fortunate that the couch happened to be black and leather, so you couldn't even see the blood and it was easily wiped off. But let's face it: when someone bleeds on your furniture, even if they're family, it's pretty disgusting. Sorry Chris and Tina!

The second instance of bleeding was fixed the same way as the first one and I stopped sleeping on my side. The picture's not great, but hopefully you can see the dark scab on the end of my lead incision. That's the site of the trouble, which is under control for right now.

In other news: the green is basically gone and the ICD incision is looking a lot better. I'll have to redact my previous statement of how ugly it is. It was very swollen and bruised when I wrote about it the first time. I can see now that my new incision is really nice and clean, and even though the keloid from the old incision is still there, I think it's been reduced in size and appearance.

The rest of my physical recovery is going fine, as well. I had my first full day of work today and I feel just as tired at the end of the day as I did before my surgery. It's good to be back.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose


I had my follow-up appointment on Tuesday and the strips are off! The verdict? Things look good. There's still some blood around the ICD causing some swelling, but it's not red or painful so it should be absorbed, making the area smaller soon.

As far as scars go, I don't know what I was thinking when I was writing about how I hope my ICD scar isn't keloid, because um, it's really keloid.
How did I think it was going to completely clear up? I know they said that they were going to try to clean it up, but I was thinking some miraculous transformation. Not quite. It's ugly. And I hate to be a complete hypocrite, but I'm a little upset with how unattractive it looks. I know it's still healing and that it's going to get better, but right now, it looks pretty bad. My lead scar, on the other hand, looks like it might eventually fade into nothing. Man, it would suck so bad if that one got keloid. My need to be symmetrical is not so great that I want my scars to be identical. The lead scar is so tiny and clean that compared to the other side, it looks like nothing already.

I'm using another word that I should probably define:

Keloid- when a scar is UGLY

I'm kidding. That's not the real definition. Here it is:

Keloid- an area of irregular fibrous tissue at the site of a scar or injury

The green is also clearing up nicely and I'm able to move my arms a lot more. Not above shoulders, because I can't do that for three more weeks (so the lead and ICD and settle), but I'm doing a lot more movement that involves my pectoral muscles, because they're healing, too.
I feel almost back to normal. If you can call it that.